PEE PEE IN THE POOL

Al Gore warned us! Its happening right now, as we speak. Global warming has made it to Pitman New Jersey! This heatwave following the harshest winter in decades makes me think maybe Gore did invent the internet. Its friggin hot!

I would jump in my pool but of course I invited the neighbor kids to jump in and cool off yesterday, with the sign plainly displayed on the fence two feet from the pool pleading for them not to pee in the pool, I saw each and everyone of them make the face. Yes the pee pee face, every one of them! I gave them a scowl and they all just looked at me, smiled and said, “whaaaat?” You better not be doing what I think you're doing!” “whaaaaaaaaaat????????” they squealed.

I saw the boy in the group raise and lower his eyebrows three times, I knew that look; I had made the same look many times myself, usually at halftime of an Eagles game when the score is close. Two full quarters worth of relief, second best feeling in the world. I really didn't want to continue the volleyball game of questions answered by questions so I shook my head and went back into my air conditioned cave.

The rule was they could swim if one of their parents would stand watch, I was in no mood to play lifeguard. So the neighbor's son's girlfriend sat on their porch and watched the kids in my pool not 10 feet away. She was not happy about it and sat with a sour face that made her look like a mean third-grader, you know, that girl that would beat up the boys and who was only happy and laughed when she was inflicting pain and punishment on somebody. I could hear her snapping at them as I slid my patio door shut and sealed out the heat and chaos.

After about the better part of an hour I was sitting in my recliner and writing some comedy material on my laptop with some obscure program playing on the TV in the background. I heard my door slide open and my Golden Retriever Bear awoke from his summer slumber and lifted his head with a half hearted “wuff”.

The four of them, dripping wet and pissed off I hadn't heard them knocking. They marched through my kitchen and into my dining room. “We bin knockin!!!” hands on hips the 6 year old snapped at me. “Sorry Guys I didn't hear you, I was working.” “that's how you work????” The 11 year old said as she twisted up her face and stared in disbelief. “Who pays you to do THAT????” I stared at her with a blank expression, said nothing for almost an entire minute, it took at least 45 seconds for her to appear the least bit uncomfortable, the two 10 year olds in the back just remained silent and watched on like they were spectators at a bull fight not really sure which side to be on.

Finally, she broke away from my stair and the little one said in a frail voice, “we wanna go home”. I looked down at their feet and saw the small pond that had developed from their dripping bodies. “OK guys, did you leave any water in the pool?” The 6 year old was picking up on the sarcasm and didn't appreciate it one bit. “YESSSSSssssss” she said with a heavy sigh, “you're silly” she was obviously the speaker of the group.

She turned her head, looked back to the others and nodded it toward the door, “Lets go” she rolled her eyes and jerked her head towards me as if to say to the other “ppppfffftttt, this guy” they marched out the front door still dripping and leaving a trail of droplets across my floor and out the door as the door was shutting I heard the little one say almost like a song, “You need to clean your pool, the water turned green!!!”

It made me stop typing, the water was crystal clear, we had just algaecided, chlorinated, stabilized and clarified the damn thing, cost over $50 in chemicals to get it that way. I closed my laptop, de-reclined from my chair and shuffled my slippered feet to the patio door. I stood there, in disbelief as I stared at what looked like a retention pond off of Bartram Ave in Philly. The water was an unfamiliar shade of blue-green, with what appeared to be a fine white mist about a foot below the surface. The steps disappeared into the murk after the third step, the center drain was impossible to see.

How could they have done this in such a short time. How much asparagus could they have eaten that would turn their urine into this horrid pollutant? I looked at my deliciously refreshing oasis in the middle of Pitman, it was now something that I could blame on BP. I had shocked my pool many times, this was the first time it shocked me.

As I turned away from the 18,000 gallon urinal in my yard I saw Dotty standing in her bathing suit, inside the sliding glass door. Her arms were folding in an angry pose, her eyes tightened and her lips thinned. I couldn't hear her through the door but I could read hell lips, the first words I won't repeat, but the final two words before she locked the door, trapping me out in the 100 degree tundra was “FIX IT!”

I was in exile from the air until it was again clear. I had a better chance of walking on that water than I did clearing it up in a few minutes. I scratched at the back door like a cat left out in the rain until Dotty answered, “What do you want good Samaritan?” “An empty water bottle, the keys and a pair of real shoes, I'm taking over a sample” The air in the Caddy blew ice cold and I figured it was better than sweating and staring. Dotty slid the door open just enough to give me what I asked for...no more....no less.

I took over my water sample and the result were in....high PH...the girl behind the counter told me what I already knew, “you have a lot of kids huh? You need to talk about peeing in the pool!” “Thanks! How long will it take to clear up and do you mind if I browse in your air until then?”